I don't know yet

"But, what is it that you would really like to do?" my friend asked me when we were discussing my current job hunt.

And to be honest, I think I don't know yet.

I know I wouldn't like to do for the rest of my life anything of what I've done so far. But her question got me thinking...

What is it that I would really like to do?

Definitely something creative. It would probably make me feel insecure, but I do feel this creative energy flowing inside of me lately.

And these are the 5 things that come up if I daydream about what I would really want to do without trying to rationalize it.

• Writing

• Tattoos

• Photography

• Travel

• Fashion

• (Bonus: I don't know yet)

But, this is what comes up if I do rationalize them:

(aka. overthink them)

Writing

If there's one thing I know is that I love writing. And I've loved it since I was a kid.

And, sometimes, I even think I'm good at it. (Rarely, though) And also, sometimes, someone tells me I'm good at it. Or that they enjoyed reading what I wrote. And THAT makes me smile, feel proud of myself, and warm inside.

And those are feelings I would like to chase.

But I don't really have any evidence that I'm good at it. I can't really prove it.

Let alone writing for business, so the possibility of finding a job related to writing is close to 0. (I have tried)

Tattoos

I've also loved drawing since I was a kid. But I think at some point perfectionism got out of hand, and no drawing was ever good enough, made me feel horrible, and so I stopped doing it.

Then tattooing came into my life 3 years ago.

Hand poking is like some sort of meditation for me. It allows me to fully focus on this one thing, clear up my head, and just think about making one dot after another after another. And eventually, the dots make a line and a drawing, and my mind is at ease.

I don't know why I'm good at it, but I think I am. So I would really love to get a tattoo apprenticeship. I would love to learn, get better, and try new techniques.

But as I'm writing this, I'm realizing what I really love is meeting and connecting with people, being able to give them what they want to remember that moment, that trip, that person, that feeling. And I also love collaborating together with someone to come up with a design that works best for them. So I think for me it's not so much about me expressing myself through art. And this is a business where you need to have a vision, a portfolio, a brand, a style... So I'm not sure if I would be able to get in without any of those. (I have tried too, no luck so far)

Photography

I looooove photography. It is definitely one of my favorite things in life. It just makes me feel so good, relaxed, present, and connected with nature, and with myself.

So it was one of the first things to pop up in my head when my friend asked me what would I really want to do. And yet I didn't say it out loud. And yet I have never pursued it as a career.

Every time I have thought about it, I told myself I'm not good enough, I don't know enough, I wouldn't know how to shoot pictures of other people, I wouldn't get paid to photograph sunrises in mountains...

But the truth is that I have never even tried.

Just the thought of putting a portfolio together or trying to come up with a pitch for future potential clients makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Travel

I guess if there's one thing I'm known for is traveling. Or, better, living abroad.

It has become a big part of my life in the latest years, of my identity really. But I wouldn't really know how to make it into a career.

I have thought of combining it with my actual work experience and trying to find a job in a travel company in marketing or customer service (spoiler: none worked out).

If I allow myself to daydream filterlessly, I would love to combine traveling with writing. And write a book about self-growth through traveling, living abroad, adventures with strangers, ✨ and Tinder dates ✨ (buuuut I haven't been able to commit to this for more than 2 weeks in a row, and it will also not pay my rent next month 🥲 sooo 🤷‍♀️)

Fashion

So that leaves us with my good old friend Fashion.

When I was little I wanted to become a Fashion Designer, but at some point, I decided it was too unrealistic to pursue. Then, many years later, I came across Slow Fashion and it deeply changed the way I consumed and lived fashion.

This is also something I have tried to combine with my actual work experience, finding an office job in a fashion company (but yet again, no luck).

I would love to learn more about Slow Fashion awareness and get more involved with small local brands. I guess the easiest way towards that is by working as a sales assistant in retail but thinking of having sales targets makes me very anxious... 🤦‍♀️

So I guess my only option is to become a fashion designer after all and sell my little personal upcycling projects 🙃 (hahah nope)

Conclusion: I don't know yet

Maybe I'm just unable to make a decision and commit to it, maybe I'm just too insecure about everything. People often tell me that I'm brave, but I think I'm really scared.

So I tell myself that I don't know yet what I would really like to do because I have never tried any of the above as a profession before. So how could I know if I really would want to do any of them?

But, the one thing I know, is that I believe the only way to find out is by trying.

So hopefully one day I won't care about what other people think of me and I won't need other people's approval and validation of my work, and I will be able to just write and post whatever I want, whenever I want. And I will be able to be constant. And with time and patience, the right person will eventually see my stuff and ✨ will magically offer me my perfect job ✨

🙃😂

Or that with time and patience I will have built enough work for a portfolio and enough confidence in my work: to apply for creative jobs, take the leap to become a freelancer, to pitch to potential future customers...

For now, I definitely care about what people think of me and I desperately need other people's validation in order to feel some sort of small confidence in my work. Not even in my work I guess, but in my art? creativity? projects? in me?

And this leads to me being super inconsistent and, therefore, far from my above daydreaming fantasies.

So, anyway, if you have any tips on:

• how to discover your purpose,

• how to keep a job for longer than 2 years that doesn't fulfill you but pays the bills and the hobbies that do fulfill you,

• how to choose one goal and commit to it,

• or, basically, how to adult,

please, let us know in the comments or, at least, let ME know in a DM 😅🙏🏽

I'm sorry that the post was soooo long. I wrote it for myself, I needed to get the thoughts out of my head and give them some sort of shape and organization 😅 If you got here, maybe you're going through something similar so, please, feel free to vent on me too 🤗 or maybe you just rock ✨ in any case, THANK YOU 💛